To start with...check out this video.  That face is what I get at least once a class and many many times in between classes when I ask my students, "How are you?".

So....Life.

I am still stuggling.  I don't have anxiety attacks anymore...YAY!  But I still am feeling really depressed most days.  I am able to function  though (wake up...go to school...mope at desk) and have been trying to keep busy.  Anytime I think too much is a bad time for me...so I am trying to keep my mind busy too with crossword puzzles and stuff like that.  I am ready for this phase to end.

On a happier note.  I am making serious plans to find the Costco here.  I want to get a block of cheese and some triscuts.  I AM GONNA DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to get well in the mind.

Seoul Food

So...I went to Seoul.

I stayed with a friend, Katie, in Incheon (a city near Seoul).  She picked me up from the train station and we went out for pizza (decided by paper, rock, scissors...the only right way to make a difficult choice) and then went to Seoul Tower.  Super cute...lovey-dovy...worth doing to say you did it...but you really can't beat the mountain views from Busan.  The next day we went to Body World (a collection of plasticised bodies for the sake of teaching science of anatomy).  I had a friend go when the exhibit was in Atlanta and she said it was good.  I was like..okay...why not?

So... Katie leaves the exhibit to go to the restroom.  She comes back and says, "Hey if you want to see something strange/interesting, there is this group of foreigners downstairs...a couple black guys...a couple white guys...and a bunch of video cameras and microphones.  I think they are famous..."



I was like, "Katie...something strange/interesting...haha...we are looking at a traveling exhibit of dead people.  What is more strange?"  I thought nothing of the "famous people"...perhaps filming some documentary or something.  Katie couldn't shake the thought that she should know the people...so she went looking for them and couldn't find them.  Then as we were getting coffee afterwards she asked the ticket collectors of the exhibit, "Who were those people with the video cameras?"  They replied, "Oh...They were Black Eyed-Peas!"  AND WE CALL OURSELVES AMERICANS!!!!  Ha ha ha...I picked dead people over living/famous ones.

OH!  And I almost got in a fist fight on the metro!  This guy was hanging posters every couple feet in the car.  He goes up behind Katie and elbows her in the back pushing her out of the way so he could hang his poster.  He muttered, "Waygook" (Foreigner) with disdain.  I said, "Chincha?" (Really?) And he went off muttering bad stuff at us and glared.  I said it again, "Chincha?"  Then he got up in my face and blew in my face then took off down the car.  I WAS LIVID!  But what could I do.  I just stood there shaking.

The next day we went to Insadong...a great place to get crafts and Kkul Tarae (a fermented honey desert made for the king and his guests).  After that we went to Itewon, which literally means foreigner street.  We ate at an All American Diner.  The menu was all in English...not a lick of Hangul in sight.  I loved it!  Ha ha.

Then we went on the army base for a prayer meeting at the church.  It was awesome!!!  And this was followed by visiting another EPIK teacher who was having a birthday in Incheon.  It was nice to catch-up a little with the few Incheon folks I know.

Overall, I say that Seoul has better food, hands down.  But, I think it's too crowded and the people are really rude.  Also, Busan has better senery.  I am greatful to live where I do.



Katie and I in Insadong



Unfortunately, I had a five hour train ride back to Busan to get myself worked up about coming back.  Mainly, I have equated being here to being unhappy...but that is a mistake.  I need to give myself some time to re-adjust to Korea.  I have been out of work for almost two months now...and this purposeless-ness may be adding to my anxiety.  I have been assured that once I get back into a routine, I will find myself in a better place.  Well, we will see.  I can't pretend to know what is going on in my life, what is causing my anxiety, and how it can be fixed.  All I can do is fight to stay positive and live one day at a time.

How's that for an update?

Grace (An Avatar Reference)

Just a thought.

As foreigners, we live on the grace of the locals.  I get reminded of a scene in Avatar when the blue girl (Neytiri) said to Jake, "You have a strong heart.  No fear.  But Stupid! Ignorant like a child!"  And Jake says, "Well if I am like a child, then look, maybe you should teach me."

And that is the life of an Expat.  We are so ignorant in the culture and language that even buying oranges at the store is a challenge.  I no longer get frustrated when my co-workers say that I am like a baby...because I can't help but agree.  This is a humbling experience.
On a less thoughtful note,  I did make it to the doctors.  And I can't help but shout: I LOVE UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE!  I found that all my skin problems stem from the Psoriasis that I could never afford to treat since my childhood.  And here I got 8 pills a day for a week and some ointment for $5 and the check-up at the doctors for $3.  WOW!

LIFE

The statement I make most often these days is, "LIFE!" followed by a  short sigh.  This can mean anything from I am tired, to I don't get Korea, to Yay!

So...here is life.

I am saying goodbye to some really awesome people really soon...which is hard.  I have quite a few friends who's contracts are up and they are going home or wherever life takes them.

Also, I am considering joining a gym.  Everyone tells me that it will help with more than just my anxiety.  Well, I found the perfect gym but it is pricey.  I mean...it's the perfect gym so it might be worth it.  Happy early birthday to me. They have classes like Core Building, Aerobics, Yoga, ect.  And real showers (unlike the hand held one in my apt. that I hate...only once did I like it and it was after the bucket showers in Thailand.)  They have stationary bikes in front of a cool window that overlooks the city.  They also have individual tv's in front of the treadmills.  I like the woman who showed me around too!  She was really nice!

I will probably join after my trip to Seoul next week.  Yes, I am going to the Capital...I just wanted to get out a bit during break.  I start teaching again next Friday and will be chained to the desk indefinitely after that.

The last thing that makes me sigh, "LIFE!" is that I may have picked up a few skin infections from the public bath house.  I am not sure but I will probably head to the doctor one of these days coming up.  I have itchy read bumps down my back and I might have ring-worm on my front.  OH MY!  LIFE!!!!

Hard

So...even if I wrote million word essay, I still probably couldn't explain what is happening right now.  All I know is that I am blessed so much to have such great people in my life.  They are truly amazing.
And life has been so hard lately.  A minutely struggle at times, for Joy and Peace.  I have been hurt so deep that I thought I would never make it back out.  I had to admit some pretty shameful thoughts today...and realize that I give satan more power than he really has.

Though it's only been 2.5 weeks-ish...I can't imagine life without my saddness and fear.  But even so, I am so ready to be liberated.  And it is coming...I feel it.  God is so good!  I don't know how much longer I will live in fear and pain...but I trust my God.

I am probably making no sense at all to most people...and I guess it really doesn't matter.

Blessings to all,
Caroline R.

P.S.
I really hope you guys are well.  To quote Jacob Marley, "Mankind should have been my buisness!"  I don't want to be a Marley....(i.e. Let me know your struggles so I can pray for you too!)

PRAISE YOU IN THIS STORM

Oh my...where to start?

So those anxiety attacks that wrack my body and mind at 6:00pm each night.  I am not afraid of them.  I am choosing freedom.  I may not be able to control my mind in an attack...but I can chose joy over sadness in the between times.  I praise God for all the wonderful people in my life who have lead me back to Him.  And I am learning so much right now.  My new motto in life, "Growing is never comfortable."
Psalm 118
 ¹ Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good!
      His faithful love endures forever.
 ² Let all Israel repeat:
      “His faithful love endures forever.”
 ³ Let Aaron’s descendants, the priests, repeat:
      “His faithful love endures forever.”
 ⁴ Let all who fear the LORD repeat:
      “His faithful love endures forever.”
 ⁵ In my distress I prayed to the LORD,
      and the LORD answered me and set me free.
 ⁶ The LORD is for me, so I will have no fear.
      What can mere people do to me?
 ⁷ Yes, the LORD is for me; he will help me.
      I will look in triumph at those who hate me.
 ⁸ It is better to take refuge in the LORD
      than to trust in people.
 ⁹ It is better to take refuge in the LORD
      than to trust in princes.

FIRST of all!  We need to give thanks to the Lord for He is good.  This is telling me that God is always good even when I don't feel His goodness.  But I still need to praise Him in this storm.  SECOND.  Verse 6 says that God is FOR me.  GOD IS FOR ME!  He is on my side!  Not a hair falls from my head without God knowing it and allowing it.  He knows my struggle and is on my side.  I need to trust that He knows what He is doing.  It says in Lamentations 3 that He does not enjoy our sorrow.  He hurts when we hurt.  And I need to know that my best interests are at the top of His mind.  And He loves and looks out for me so much.  THIRD.  I know that "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in People."  The first thing I do when an attack hits it call on friends to help me.  WHAT AM I DOING!?!?!  I need to call on the LORD first and foremost!

Oh I am learning so much.

 Philippians 4:6-9
 ⁶ Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. ⁷ Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
 ⁸ And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. ⁹ Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

And most recently...this one will give you goosebumps.  My friend back home is suffering also from attacks...of a different kind...but still just as painful.  And we prayed for each other this morning.  And shared verses of encouragement.  Then as we were saying goodbye she stumbled across this: 1 Peter 5:8-11

⁸ Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. ⁹ Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters^[a] all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are.
 ¹⁰ In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation. ¹¹ All power to him forever! Amen.

Enough Said....AMEN!

In time

This post has been a little delayed.  I figured I would get to it in time.

I am back in Korea...And I am experiencing the most un-expected thing.  Culture shock!  It snuck up on me and smacked me in the face.  For the past four nights I have had anxiety attacks...(luckily I have refrained from calling my mother each night...though the first one I woke her up at 6:00am her time).

I am learning from this though.  I was over-confident and borderline cocky before.  I thought...oh I travelled to Thailand to teach and backpacked Laos all by myself.  I am strong! ...wow.  Pride comes before the fall...and I have majorly fallen...and getting back up is a slow process.

I find myself relying on the comfort of others.  On their words of encouragement and direction.  They lead me back to His word.  I need to realize that all things come from God...big and small.  And that I have no control over anything.  I simply can do the best with what He choses to give me.  When I start to find myself anxious I need to just count my blessings out loud.  And that should do the trick.

But yeah.  Just keep me in your prayers.  And if you have any of your own...let me know.